AnneLynn

Her self-described happiest moment. 

If you are triggered by sad stories or the topic of suicide, skip this  post.  This is just such a story about a friend, near and dear to my heart.

It was 36 years ago today on February 21, 1989 that my dearest friend in the whole wide world committed suicide.  Her name was AnneLynn. I remember her every year on this day and if truth be told sometimes every day. While I accept it, I have never gotten over her suicide.

The year was 1989.  I had last heard from her in a Christmas card where she said she needed some time and space away from people and cats. (She cared for three indoor Abyssinians and a whole tassel of outdoor strays.)  In her letter she quipped, "this season may kill me."  I took it as hyperbole but made a mental note to give her some space.  That was in December. She killed herself two months later.

I was so young, a sophomore in college and she was much older than I and yet my world revolved around our friendship.  She was the first person in my life who I felt saw me and with whom I connected on a deeply spiritual level.  I miss her every day but most of all, on this day. 

I watch a  popular movie staring Robin Williams every year on this day, "What Dreams May Come" and I think of her.

In the movie "What Dreams May Come," Chris Nielsen's wife, Annie, commits suicide after struggling with the loss of their children. Chris, who has already died and gone to heaven, learns that Annie is in hell, a realm created by her own pain and despair. Determined to rescue her, Chris embarks on a perilous journey to hell, guided by his friend Albert.   

Chris's descent into hell is a an emotionally harrowing experience. He navigates through a dark and twisted landscape, confronting the manifestations of Annie's anguish. He eventually finds her in a catatonic state, trapped in her self-created prison of sorrow.

Despite the warnings that no one can leave hell, Chris refuses to give up. He uses his love and memories of their life together to try and reach Annie, to break through the walls of her despair. In a climactic moment, Chris makes a profound choice: he decides to stay with Annie in hell, accepting her fate, rather than live without her in heaven. This act of selfless love ultimately breaks through Annie's despair, allowing her to recognize Chris and escape hell with him.

I don't believe that the loving God I have come to know sends people who suicide to hell but I do believe that people who suicide are sometimes living in a kind of a hell and can't find their way out of it.

If when I die I discover she is in hell.  Then I will go there myself to rescue her and if I can't rescue her, I will stay with her.  Until then I remember, I pray, and I lean on the compassion and love of my God.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

I have wanted desperately to write something, anything but words fail me. I'm cycling through the stages of grief around and around again: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's tornado season again in the Ozarks, thanks to climate change, and I feel like I'm being buffeted and battered by an unrelenting funnel cloud of tumultuous feelings.

A song by Jimmy Buffett came to mind. It's about Katrina, a hurricane that shattered a community and shattered lives in New Orleans. We have just gone through just such a political hurricane and it too is shattering lives and shattering our country.

It speaks about what we do now. Breathe in, breathe out, move on.

Go easy on yourself for a few days. If you're like me, you're probably in shock. Feel your feelings. Scream, cry, get mad, whatever but most of all take care of yourself. Indulge in your favorite comfort food, hydrate, and rest. Stay out of of the news cycle and off of social media. Don't feed the emotional storm with hot air. There'll be plenty of time to catch up on that stuff later. Take care of you and those whom you love.

Breathe in, breathe out, move on...

Love,
+Brian

Br'er Abbot

A little bit about my nickname "Br'er Abbot"...

It was given to me years ago by Bishop Eugene Tyrsson SilverWolf Kyle a dear friend and brother of our religious order. It came about as a play on words from the old children stories of Br'er Rabbit (Brother Rabbit) and because I was the abbot of our order and he knew of my affinity for Saint Melangell, the patron saint of hares.

What he couldn't have known was my love of the Br'er Rabbit stories and the Disney movie the Song of the South. These stories were made popular in the United States by Joel Chandler Harris, though he wasn't the first to publish them.

They were based upon the continental African people's folktales and subsequently the derivative folktales of the enslaved Africans of the Americas. They were my first introduction to liberation theology, though I didn't know that at the time.

I grew up in a deeply racist family and these folksy tales helped me struggle against learned generational racism and to start to discover a different world around me and a different way of being at an early age. Those folktales and stories would inform and thus shape my world, political, spiritual, and emotional view for the rest of my life.

To this day I still treasure the memory of those books. For good or bad, right or wrong, they helped make me who I am today and I treasure my dear brother's nickname that he gave me all those years ago. I am humbled and grateful.

+Br'er Abbot

Daydreaming About Clouds

I've been listening to Joni Mitchell a lot recently. She soothes my soul in these troubled times. She's absolutely one of my favorite artists and has been since my college days when a paramour of mine with long blonde hair, not unlike Joni's hair in her younger years, introduced me to her.

I have so many favorite songs of Joni's but one of my most favorite songs, especially as I get older, is Both Sides Now. It starts out talking about daydreaming about clouds and I know something about daydreaming about clouds.

When I first started elementary school, every day at recess at I would sit under a tree and watch the clouds drift by. Wanting to get away from playground bullies, I would imagine what it might be like to stand upon a cloud and float away.

I longed to get away from the meanness of the class bullies. I wanted to get away from a family that was at best, alien to me and at worst, abusive at times. I dreamed of building a house in the clouds and staying safe up there in the sunshine and the moonshine. I really thought I could walk and climb on clouds! The only problem I couldn't figure out was getting up there in the first place. That eluded me but I looked at clouds that way for a long time. I really didn't know clouds at all.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say, "I love you, " right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends, they're acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed
Well, something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions that I recall
I really don't know life

I really don't know life at all 

Reflecting on My Ordination to the Priesthood on the Feast of Saint Melangell

An Icon of Saint Melangell created on the Island of Mull by the monks of Mull Monastery.

 A blessed Feast of Saint Melangell to you and yours in this year of our Lord two thousand and twenty-four!

It was nineteen years ago today that I became a priest within the Free Catholic tradition. I was ordained to the Holy Priesthood by Archbishop Robert M. Bowman and Bishop Larry Cameron, of the United Catholic Church, on May 27, 2005, the Feast of Saint Melangell. The ordination took place at Shepherd of the Hills Episcopal Church, the church of my baptism and confirmation, surrounded by friends, family, and members of my ministry from the four corners of the country.

In many ways it seems like a lifetime ago and in some ways it seems like just yesterday.  The experience of the passing of time is odd, especially as one ages.  The ebb and flow of time seems to move as it will, where it will; collecting in reflective pools of memories, or perhaps murky swamps of vague recollections, and sometimes dangerous riptides of regret.

When I first began to sense my calling, I immediately told my mentor and friend, Fr. James Martin, an Episcopal priest of blessed memory.  His initial response was "what took you so long to figure that out?!"  Before I would start my discernment process for the priesthood he gave me some good advice.  He said, "Brian, if you can do anything else with your life, go do it and don't become a priest. Only follow this path if you absolutely cannot turn away from it."   He knew first hand that the priesthood was not for the faint of heart and that it was simultaneously a heartbreaking and heart-healing vocation.

While I thank God for my calling, I still question God sometimes why He called me and why He wouldn't let me go.  I also thank God for my mentorship and friendship with Fr. Martin, who was one of the most Godly men I have ever encountered.

I am a terrible priest and that is not false humility, just a simple reality.  Too often I fail and I am strong willed when it comes to listening to the gentle call of the Holy Spirit.  More than I care to admit, I want things my own way without a thought for what God wants for me and sadly, sometimes I allow my passions and ego rule my life instead of giving myself over to the simple obedience and grace of Christ. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my priesthood.

There's a traditional prayer to God and Saint Melangell whenever one sees a hare hopping about, "May God and St. Melangell save thee and may a thousand angels guide your steps!"

A self-indulgent prayer for myself on this auspicious day: May God and St. Melangell save this Br'er Abbot and may a thousand angels guide my steps!

Generation X: Trapped in the Rust of Reality's Broken Dream

Generation X: Trapped in the Rust of Reality's Broken Dream

+Brian Ernest Brown

We were the latchkey kids, the MTV generation, the ones who watched the Berlin Wall crumble and the internet rise, all while their parents waxed nostalgic about picket fences and bootstraps.

 

Now, Generation X, sandwiched between the Boomer optimism and Millennial hustle, finds itself in a curious purgatory – disillusioned, restless, and clinging to a faded American dream that seems perpetually out of reach.

Unlike their forebears, Gen X didn't inherit prosperity. They entered a workforce already tilted towards the top, wages stagnant, and benefits shrinking. The promise of homeownership evaporated in the housing crisis, replaced by a crushing burden of student debt. The once-assured path of work-hard-get-ahead now feels like a treadmill to nowhere, the finish line perpetually obscured by a mirage of unattainable comfort.

This disillusionment breeds a gnawing restlessness. Gen Xers are the masters of the side hustle, the perpetual moonlighters, always chasing a financial horizon that seems to recede with every step. They're the parents juggling childcare and aging parents, the ones putting off passions in pursuit of stability that feels ever more elusive. They're the cynical realists, the ones who scoff at motivational quotes and see right through the cracks in the gleaming facade of the American Dream.

But is there a solution to this disillusionment? Is there a way to mend the broken dream for a generation left holding the empty promises? Perhaps. Here are a few possibilities:

Shifting the narrative: The American Dream needs a reboot. It can't be just about material possessions and endless growth. We need to redefine success to encompass well-being, community, and a sustainable future. Gen X, with its pragmatism and adaptability, can be at the forefront of this reframing.

Prioritizing well-being: Mental health, long neglected, needs to be central to the conversation. Affordable healthcare, accessible therapy, and policies that support work-life balance are crucial for a generation burned out from juggling precarity and responsibility.

Empowering the squeezed middle: Policies that address income inequality and wealth disparity are essential. A living wage, affordable housing, and accessible education can chip away at the feeling of being stuck in a rigged system.

Embracing the collective: Gen X's cynicism can be channeled into collective action. Supporting unions, advocating for worker rights, and pushing for social safety nets can create a sense of agency and build a more equitable future for all.

Ultimately, the solution to Gen X's disillusionment lies not in individual heroics, but in systemic change. It requires a collective reimagining of the American Dream, one that prioritizes well-being, fairness, and a sustainable future for all. Gen X, with its resilience and resourcefulness, has the potential to be the generation that not only mends the broken dream, but builds a better one from its ashes.

Remember, even the rustiest gears can be oiled and set in motion again. Perhaps it's time for Gen X to dust off its collective cynicism, roll up its sleeves, and start building a future where the dream, once again, feels attainable, not like a cruel mirage shimmering in the distance.

The Looming Shadow of Christian Nationalism: Dangers and a Path Forward

The Looming Shadow of Christian Nationalism: Dangers and a Path Forward

+Brian Ernest Brown

The rise of Christian nationalism in the United States presents a significant threat to both the religious and political fabric of our nation. This ideology, which seeks to merge American and Christian identities, promotes a dangerous blurring of the lines between church and state. This article will explore the dangers of such a merger, highlight its contradiction with true Christian teachings, and offer potential solutions for the Christian Church to return to its core values.

Dangers of Christian Nationalism:

Erosion of Religious Freedom: When a single religion is elevated above others, it can lead to the suppression of minority faiths and the marginalization of non-believers. This directly contradicts the fundamental American principle of religious freedom enshrined in the First Amendment.

Undermining Democracy: Christian nationalism often promotes a single, "true American" identity, excluding diverse voices and perspectives. This can lead to political polarization, social unrest, and ultimately, the erosion of democratic values.

Misinterpretation of Christianity: Christian nationalism often cherry-picks scriptures to justify its agenda, overlooking key teachings of Jesus Christ, such as love, compassion, and forgiveness for all. This can lead to the weaponization of religion for political gain and contribute to social divisions.

Christianity and Separation of Church and State: The separation of church and state is not merely a legal principle, but also a core Christian value. Jesus himself instructed his followers to "render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's" (Matthew 22:21). This clear distinction between earthly and divine authority is essential for ensuring religious freedom, preventing the abuse of power, and maintaining a just society.

Solutions for the Christian Church:

Returning to the Gospel: Christian churches need to refocus on the core teachings of Jesus, which emphasize love, inclusivity, and service to others. This requires a critical reevaluation of theologies that promote exclusion and discrimination.

Promoting Interfaith Dialogue: Fostering dialogue and understanding between different religious communities is crucial to combating religious intolerance and promoting a more inclusive society. This includes partnering with other faith groups on social justice initiatives and promoting interfaith prayer gatherings.

Engaging in Politics with Integrity: Christians can participate in the political process while upholding their core values. This means avoiding aligning themselves with political parties or agendas that contradict their faith, and instead advocating for policies that promote justice, compassion, and the common good.

Examples of Hope:

There are many examples of Christian communities actively working to counter the harmful influence of Christian nationalism and return to the heart of their faith. Here are just a few:

The Sanctuary Movement: This interfaith movement provides sanctuary to immigrants and refugees facing deportation, upholding the biblical command to care for the stranger and the vulnerable.

The Poor People's Campaign: This movement, led by faith leaders across denominations, advocates for policies addressing poverty, racism, and environmental destruction, demonstrating how faith can inspire action for social justice.

Interfaith Communities United for Justice: This national organization brings together people of diverse faiths to work on issues such as immigration reform and voting rights, demonstrating the power of interfaith collaboration in shaping a more just society.

These examples offer a glimpse of hope for a future where the Christian Church lives out its true calling, not as a tool for political gain, but as a force for love, justice, and peace in the world. By reclaiming its core values and fostering interfaith collaboration, the Christian Church can play a vital role in healing the divisions within our society and building a more just and equitable future for all.